Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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