And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
