dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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