What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
