i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
