Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She even gives head with a lisp.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
