I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
