if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize