My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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