Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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