70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
