i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
