Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
