piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
