what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
there is glitter all over my balls
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
