You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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