Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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