I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Alive.
So much puke
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
