My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
