My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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