we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
