Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
