I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
