I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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