I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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