I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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