also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
