Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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