White coat. Heels.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
