just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
