i wish my penis had a tongue
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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