I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
