All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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