I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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