watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
