Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
