Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
