This is not my ceiling
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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