I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
