4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize