Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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