Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
