fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Small penises have feelings too.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
