Are we in a gay sports bar?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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