Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
