tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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