Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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