There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I need moral support for this bender
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
