I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize