Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The beer is more important than you right now.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
