awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
