He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I think I died a long time ago.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
