my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
