drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
