I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
