i used baking grease as lip gloss
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
