ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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